Before you read the following I need to explain that in no way do I feel like this today. It was written about a month after my daughter was born and I was feeling really low. It was nothing more than a 'journal entry' so excuse the grammatical errors:) If you have ever experienced something similar I hope this helps you know that you are not alone. Feel free to share your story with me if you feel the need. Boys beware!!! You may not want to read this:)
My prayer was answered in January of 2010. I suspected I might be pregnant, and when I took the test, and it was positive, I was excited but full of anxiety. I couldn't believe my mixed emotions!! All I wanted was children for so long. I kept my thoughts to my self and I eventually wrote it off as everyone having feelings like this when they first find out that they are pregnant. For some reason I got really nervous about not having control over my own body. I was constantly thinking about what it was going to be like when the baby moved for the first time. I eventually found myself dreading that day. So of course when I first felt her move, I got totally freaked out. I decided to find a counselor who was on my insurance with hopes that she would ease my concerns. I finally got used to the baby moving around and started to really enjoy pregnancy (with the exception of being nauseated and having heartburn:)). I was also thankful that I knew a nurse who helped me with any question I had. When I found out my baby was going to be a girl, I couldn't help but make her my instant friend. I found myself making her move every time I had a spare second, and I wrote her letters almost daily. I couldn't wait to meet her. I guess I should have known that when I had her I would have postpartum depression with my history, but when it was mentioned I would always shrug it off and think that it would never happen to me. I also should have known that I was on my way by the way I withdrew myself from everyone. While I was in the hospital, I wanted to be alone. I didn't call anyone to come and sit with me, even on the day that Jeremy went to work. I just told myself that I didn't want anyone to see me in pain. I was induced twice because the first one didn't work because my cervix just wasn't doing anything. I was in the hospital for two days the first time. I was sent because my due date had come and gone, my blood pressure was high, and it was time. I was pumped full of pitocin for 24 hours and given cervadil for 12 hours before that. Never once wanting anyone to come by and visit which isn't like me at all. I was sent home in hopes that my body would eventually dilate on its own. A couple of days went by and my blood pressure was staying pretty high and I was extremely swollen. I checked it at my parents on a Sunday and it was 144/96 and decided to make my way up to the urgent care center. I was monitored and given my options. I was also told that I had gestational hypertension and borderline preeclampsia. I was hell bent on having a vaginal delivery so I decided to stay and be induced again. Another 12 hours of cervadil and some other type of gel, and many many many hours of pitocin. I was hurting pretty bad and decided that I didn't want any company. So there I sat, alone and in severe pain. My pulse was extreme, my blood pressure high, and the baby's heartbeat high. By 6pm I was in major pain and I had talked to a good friend of mine about her c-section. I had made the decision that the next time I was checked, if I hadn't progressed any, then I was going to go ahead with a c-section. I told the doctor on call what my decision was and when she checked me, I had dilated to a 2. She told me that I was able to have an epidural now and that it wouldn't slow my delivery since my body was under such stress. I decided to hold out for the vaginal delivery at that point. When I couldn't stand the pain any longer, I called the nurse into my room and asked about an epidural. She assured me that I was next in line so instead of asking for something in the mean time, I decided to tough it out. About an hour after she left I was wondering where the anesthesiologist was so I decided to go ahead and call the nurse in again to find out. She told me that he just went into a room for an emergency c-section and that it would be another hour before he would get to me. By then I was in such pain that I decided to try the stadol which she told me would last the hour. I had anxiety about taking it because I was told that it would make me feel weird and I don't like to not have control over myself. I went ahead and took it and after the hour was up, so was the potency of the stadol and I began to have the worst contractions I have ever felt. They were about a minute apart and extremely painful. I thought I would die a couple of times. I called for the nurse at around 10pm and the front desk said they would send her right in. In the meantime I had to make Jeremy rub my leg as hard as he could every time I would have a contraction to help take my mind off of the pain. It didn't work. Every time I would have one at this point, I would grab the side rails of the bed as hard as I could and try with all my might not to scream out in agony. I honestly don't know how women do it without drugs. I kept looking at the door hoping that the nurse would come in and help, but she never came. I began to cry. I was getting very upset at this point. She finally decided to come in there at midnight!! So way too many hours of way too much pain before she came back to help. She told me something about how the lady in the next room was having complications and such. All I could think about was how someone should have told me that, or at least offered me some more stadol. Instead they just ignored my request to send in my nurse and left me to my misery when I could have had relief. By the time I finally got my epidural it was just like the doctor said, my body was in such stress that my cervix dilated fully in two hours after being in labor for a total of 4 days including my first induction attempt. At 2:40am the nurse came in and told me that I was going to start pushing in the next few minutes. I should have known better, but I called my family and Jeremy called his. Of course they came immediately, and I didn't begin pushing for a couple of hours. They were making no headway and the Dr came in and told me that I wasn't in the clear yet and that this may all end up in a c-section after all. I had endured far too much to end in a c-section now. At 7am this nurses shift was finished and I got a nurse that requested me from my previous induction. She told me that my baby was asynclitical and positioned me in a strange way for a little while. So from the time she came in at 7am, to 7:47 my baby was born. I thank her for a job well done. She is an exceptional nurse and I will never forget her. Finally, my baby was here!! When they stuck her on my chest, she stared right into my eyes. It was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I know now that she knew me instantly, but at the time I didn't know what she was doing. Instead I thought she wasn't breathing because she was not moving at all, and staring right into my eyes. So I freaked out and hollered at the nurse telling her that she wasn't breathing. She assured me that everything was okay but I still felt panicked and told her that something was wrong. She was of course fine, but I can't help but think that her first meeting with me out of the womb was a complete and utter freak out. Man, I sometimes hate myself!! Once I got a moment to myself, I decided to do the thing that I had been dreading since the day I found out I was pregnant... nurse. I thought it would be so easy but once I had her in my arms, I was feeling so awkward because I had never really held a newborn baby. Needless to say I was frustrated at myself for being so weird, and at her because she didn't know what to do either and the fact that it hurt like hell. I was told by the lactation consultant that she had a flat pallet and that it would be best to pump for the time being. From that point I decided I would pump her milk so that she could have breast milk, but every time I would put the pump to my chest, someone would walk in!! There was never a moments peace in that place!!! I finally just decided to give her formula to supplement until I got home. I was a zombie the rest of my time in the hospital. I remember sitting there in the bed and feeling like I was in a dream. I don't know if it was the medicine, or the fact that my body endured a lot, but it was a very strange feeling. I couldn't wait to get home. I just knew that once I got there I would be much better and we would jump right into a routine. I had to stay in the hospital for two more days. I was so swollen I couldn't barely move. I had been swollen for months now but never as bad as that time. The features on my face were even huge, it was insane. My blood pressure was still very high. I was so swollen that I was barely able to take care of Hadley which left it all up to Jeremy. When she cried, I couldn't get up to get her fast enough. On the way home from the hospital, I stopped to pick up a breast pump and I remember sitting there waiting for it and my vision was playing tricks on me. So in the waiting room, there I sat. I was swollen, bleeding, and had a severe headache...I couldn't wait to get home. When we finally made it home, Jeremy's parents came over to visit us. I was fine. When they left it was about 6pm and I all of the sudden got a huge overwhelming sense of sadness. It completely took me by surprise. It was a depression so deep and so dark I never thought I would survive it. I looked over at Jeremy who was holding a sleeping Hadley. I remember thinking that it was about the time in the evening that Jeremy and I would be eating dinner and watching movies. I began to panic and think that maybe I did the wrong thing and that I missed my former life. I felt such guilt about having these thoughts. So I was feeling sadness, panic, guilt, pain, loneliness, and the list continues from here. I was also bleeding like a stuck pig. Never in my life have I had a suicidal thought, but I remember thinking that I couldn't go on living if it meant feeling like I was feeling. I remember a friend of mine at work telling me about when her son was born she didn't feel attached to him. I decided to call her and see what she did that helped and she told me about estrogen patches. I hate the thought of pills so I decided that this would be perfect for me. I immediately called the urgent care center so that they could get into contact with which ever doctor was on call that night. It was one of the doctors I was familiar with that called me back and I remember just bawling on the phone to her and I told her that I wanted to try the estrogen patches. She called in the prescription before I had a chance to realize that the pharmacy was closed. I freaked out that whole night. As soon as the pharmacy was opened in the morning I was the first in line. I was so relieved to have a possible cure that I put it on immediately when we got over to Jeremy's parents house. By the next day I felt a little bit better. Unfortunately, the patches completely took my milk supply away and I was not able to breastfeed after all. With as demanding as breastfeeding is though I truly think that it was a blessing in disguise. I was starting to get anxious about Jeremy going back to work. I was afraid of being alone with her not knowing how to take care of her since Jeremy had been her primary caregiver up to this point. My mom took off of work for a couple of days after Jeremy went back to work to stay with me. I spent those days crying to her about how depressed I was. Once my mom went back to work and I was really all alone, I would get her up in the morning and put her in her boppy pillow and pile blankets on her so that I could prop up a bottle for her. I had this horrible feeling that if I held her too much that she would become spoiled to being held. I didn't really think that what I was doing was wrong until one day I went to see my counselor. I brought Hadley into the office in her car seat and when she got fussy I just propped a bottle up in her car seat for her. My counselor said, “You do hold her when you are at home to feed her right?”. Well, I lied and told her that of course I did because at that moment I felt so bad. Then I knew that what I was doing was not very motherly. I feel like she doesn't like being held very much because I did that in the beginning. Now when someone tries to hold her facing them she will cry. I feel so guilty!!! I watch everyone who wants to hold her, and I can tell that they actually took the time to hold their babies when they were small. I feel like such a bad mom and I know that I am. I try really hard to make up for it now by holding her as much as she will allow me to. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her. I still feel depression everyday. Sometimes throughout the day, sometimes for five minutes of the day, and sometimes all day long. I try and do something else when I start to feel it coming on. I also noticed that when she was first born I had a strange motherly instinct. I would wake up during the night, and within seconds she would wake up too. I would wake up almost like my body knew that she was about to wake up. So at first I got to where I dreaded waking up because I was filled with such anxiety of knowing that at any second she was going to stir also. I would never admit this but when Jeremy gets up during the night and leaves the room, I am filled with high anxiety. I have not figured out why this bothers me?!? I guess because subconsciously I believe he is leaving me with her, alone. People always say to nap while she is napping but if I do that, when I wake up I am depressed, I guess because I anticipate her waking up. So I make it a point to go somewhere every day to keep myself from sleeping and to also get a bit of sunshine. Mostly to make the day go by quicker. I usually try and time it to where by the time I get home there won't be much time before Jeremy gets home. I get really sad also when Jeremy has to stay at work later. I know that the reason is because I got up with her at night, spent all day with her, and most of the evening. I also know that by the time Jeremy gets home late, it is only a couple of hours that I get to spend with him before it is time for bed and he is the only 'grown up' I see on a regular basis. I guess I should try to take anti-depressants but I remember seeing Jeremy on them and he was kind of like a zombie. I also hate that one of the cautions on it is that you may want to commit suicide. I have already had that thought and it scared the hell out of me!! They just scare the crap out of me and I would rather try and get through it on my own. I know that it is all in my brain but I can't seem to re-program the damn thing. All of my feelings are selfish but I can't seem to make them go away either. I find myself writing this in hopes that by getting it out on paper, then it might possibly leave my thoughts. I also find myself looking at other people and wondering if they are as happy as they seem, or if they are hiding sadness also. I would like to go back to work so that I can have a little bit of grown up time. Jeremy wants me to stay home. He doesn't want her to go to daycare. There is a position going to open at the place that I work that will just be a Monday position. I think I am going to ask my boss to consider me for it so that I will be helping them out, but they will really be helping me out too. This way Jeremy's mom would only have to watch her for one day. That is all I need, one day.
A couple of months later I wrote this:
Since I have written this there have been some major changes in my life. I still get depressed, but it is becoming less and less. I notice that when it is gloomy outside, I am a little gloomy inside. I am slowly re-programming my brain so that I know I don't have to do something everyday. I do get upset when I look in the mirror and see my new body. I can pick up my stomach and when I let it go, it literally drops like a basketball. I seem to have continuous bags under my eyes and worry lines from lack of sleep. However, none of that matters in the grand scheme of things. I see my daughter in a whole new light. When she looks into my eyes, I know that she is the reason I continue to draw breath after breath. I couldn't love anything more than I love her. She is my entire world. I did end up going back to work one day a week and it has been really good for me. It has enabled me to be a grown up and a mom. So, everyday gets better, and the feeling sorry for myself is fading. There is no time for that!! I have noticed how fast my daughter grows, and I can't afford to miss a second.
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