Dirty Birdie

I decided this year to host Thanksgiving at my house.  I think I was able to pull it off pretty well, or at least there was no complaints.  I have never cooked the turkey before because I never wanted to deal with  'the bag' and the other nastiness found inside the bird.  This year nobody was around to remove 'the bag' and other innards so I had to do so myself...what an experience I had.  I also had not one but two turkeys to prepare.

First off, I hate dealing with raw poultry because for some reason it always grosses me out to touch it.  So I unwrapped the turkeys and noticed a plastic thing around the legs that I wasn't sure if it was supposed to stay.  I ended up deciding that it was supposed to be removed and yanked on it for what seemed like 10 minutes. Then it was time for the dreaded looking down the turkey's butt for removal of nasty objects.  Like I said, it was still frozen and I saw what appeared to be a huge grey... lets just say it looked like part of the male anatomy...aka the neck.

I ran cold water in the 'cavity' to help thaw it so that I could get that thing out of there.  I almost had to physically put my foot on the turkey to get some leverage and pull it out, but I opted to use every muscle in my body to loosen and yank it out of there. I swear to you it took me 30 minutes to do this. Once out, I didn't see the dreaded bag of guts anywhere!!!  I knew it had to be in there somewhere so I turned it around so I could dig in the front of the bird.  Why don't they put the neck in the neck part, and the guts in its butt??  Oh well, it wouldn't make the experience any better I guess.

I finally found it and tossed it and the penis, I mean neck, in the trash immediately!!  I had two turkey's, so it was time for round two.  This one was even more frozen than the first one, but alas I finally managed to get both turkey's ready for the roaster after at least an hour of manhandling the disgusting things.  I don't even eat turkey!!  Whoa is me!

I decided to stay up late so that I could put them in the roaster and let them cook all night.  Would you believe that after all of that I forgot to turn the damn roaster on!!!!  I knew instantly when I woke up and didn't smell turkey something had gone terribly wrong.  I literally stepped out of bed and grabbed the phone book to see if there was anyone who had some already cooked turkey's for sale.  Thankfully there was a place right around the corner who still had 4. We made it just in time to get the last two remaining turkey's!!!!

Other than me putting too much sage in the dressing, and the turkey debacle, it went pretty well.  I will remember to turn the roaster on for Christmas by God!!  I hope someone is around to do the dirty work for me for crying out loud!!

Pass the Pedialyte

My poor little girl got the stinking stomach bug last week.  She loves to share, so I got it this week.  I haven't been sick like that in years.  The first day, literally all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and stare off into space.  I don't remember ever being that tired in my life!!  Not even during my first and third trimester.  By day two, I started noticing that one of the tiles on the bathroom floor resembled the shape of snoopy...I was in there a lot with nothing else to do.  I also made everyone go to Target so that I could attempt to take a nap between bathroom breaks, and because I was in desperate need of some pedialyte.

Once the pedialyte arrived, I drank half the bottle.  It was the clear extra tasty one:)  I was still unable to eat for the entirety of that day.  When I woke up the next morning my face felt like it was on fire.  I decided to take a gander in the mirror and see what the problem was.  To my surprise, my face looked like it had a pretty bad sunburn, or that someone challenged me to a duel by slapping me in the face repeatedly with a steel glove.

I decided then that it was time to go to the doctor and see what the verdict was.  The problem with that is I have no health insurance, so I opted to go to one of those Access Medical places, aka- I spent 65 bucks for worthlessness.  I thought since I got there right as they opened I would be right in and out of there in no time.  I was wrong.  After an hour of waiting (by a lady with a plastic trashcan in her hand) I finally got back to a room.

After waiting in there for 30 minutes I was getting pretty upset.  On the way to the room I noticed a decent looking man who worked there (I assume he is one of the doctors/nurses/whatever).  So for 30 minutes, I got to listen to all of the office women flirting and laughing and making complete asses of themselves at the patients expense.  Now keep in mind that I have my boyfriends sick mother watching my 1 year old in the car during this time because neither could have been left at home.

So after the flirting subsided the nurse practitioner finally came in.  She acted like a complete 'you know what' and told me she wasn't for sure what could have caused the allergic reaction.  She said it could possibly have been the pedialyte, or a reaction from the virus.  So she wrote a prescription for zofran and told me to take some claritin and sent me on my way.  When she left, I took it upon myself to fill out a comment card about how I didn't appreciate having to wait for almost two hours while they got their flirt on.

Finally, the next day I was starting to feel like my old self again!!!  My appetite was coming back (by the way I lost 5 lbs in 3 days yay!! gettin the weight off!!) and I wasn't as nauseated.  That night when I went to bed, I woke up around 10 with the weirdest feeling in my lower lip.  I got up to investigate and it appeared that I was turning into Angelina Jolie...or at least my bottom lip was.  I like to self diagnose myself via the internet, so I immediately searched out allergic reactions.  Needless to say, I found myself up most of the night making sure my breathing wasn't becoming constricted.  My mind goes into hypochondriac mode when I self diagnose.

Luckily it was gone by the next day, and am feeling much better now.  Out of this experience I have learned several things: never drink pedialyte just in case, don't go to Access Medical (and sit by a woman with a plastic trashcan in her hand), getting sick as you get older is not any fun.

Foot With a Side of Foot.

Some people boggle the mind.  You have met one or two I am sure.  I am talking about the characters that just continue to put their foot in their mouths repeatedly.   Don't get me wrong, I have been guilty a time or two in my life, but I try really hard to think before I speak. 

Today I went to Walgreens to pick up a couple of items.  I had my daughter in one arm, and my goods in the other.  I make my way up to the cashier minding my own business.  There was a guy (around 22-25 years old) in front of me.  I heard the cashier say something about him having an unusual combination of items, but I wasn't really paying too much attention.

After she rang him up, they both turned and looked at me.  The cashier laughed, and the guy looked like he wanted to run away.  Once I noticed, I looked up and said, "huh"?  The cashier started laughing and said, "well he is buying a toothbrush and a box of condoms and I told  him that it was better than the alternative and pointed at you since you have a baby".  Wow!!! That poor guys face turned all different shades of red right before my eyes!!

First of all, you know he was hiding the box of condoms all through the store hoping that nobody noticed.  Only to have the cashier make a public announcement about it right in front of everyone in ear shot!!  I felt bad for the poor fellow as he grabbed his bag (with apparently condoms and a toothbrush in it) and did the walk of shame out the door.

As I approached the counter, the cashier repeatedly tried to assure me that she wasn't trying to make a jest with me as the butt.  Okay, whatever just ring up my crap so I can be done already, it is my baby's nap time!!  I think she knew that everyone was feeling awkward at this point, so she was trying to make small talk.  She asked me how old my daughter was....and then said, "It looks like your almost due for your next one, when is your due date"?  WHAT???  DUNDERHEAD!!! 

So I then grabbed my bag of goodies and did my own walk of shame without saying a single word to her.  What I really wanted to say I will keep to myself, but it looks a little bit like this: *@$&-#%!-%^&$#!!!!!!   

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe. -FRANK ZAPPA